Elvis and the Devil in Disguise (A Southern Cousins Mystery With Bonus Charmed Cat Mystery) Read online

  Elvis and the Devil in Disguise

  A Southern Cousins Mystery

  With Bonus Charmed Cat Mystery Prequel

  Peggy Webb

  WH

  Westmoreland House

  Elvis and the Devil in Disguise, Copyright © 2019 by Peggy Webb

  A Charmed Cat Mystery In Which The Sea Keeps Secrets, Copyright © 2019 by Peggy Webb

  All rights reserved.

  Smashwords Edition.

  Original Cover Art, Copyright © 2019 by Cecilia Griffith

  Cover Design, Vicki Hinzi, 2019

  Except for use in any review, the reproduction or utilization of this work in whole or in part in any form by any electronic, mechanical or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including xerography, photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, is forbidden without the written permission of the publisher.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Published in the United States by Westmoreland House, Mooreville, Mississippi.

  Reviews for the Southern Cousins Mysteries

  Prepare to laugh out loud.

  --Library Journal

  In a style that will remind readers of beloved mystery author Anne George’s Southern Sisters mysteries, author Peggy Webb captures the same charm and grace in her delightfully funny tales, along with just the right amount of suspense to delight cozy readers.

  --The Times Record News

  Webb writes purely funny scenes with wacky characters getting into ridiculously silly situations, and all with a southern flair.

  --Booklist

  Wacky…Elvis continues to be the saving grace of this cozy series.

  --Publishers Weekly

  Another crazy, fast-paced mystery sure to leave cozy fans chuckling and waiting for the next adventure.

  --Booklist

  Webb’s sly sense of humor and neatly plotted mystery is laugh-out-loud hilarious.

  --Romantic Times

  Peggy Webb is a comic genius. With the sly wit of a modern Mark Twain and the Southern flair of Fried Green Tomatoes, she creates an unforgettable, laugh-aloud story. Elvis and the Dearly Departed is a must read!

  --Charlotte Hughes, New York Times bestselling author

  Elvis and the Dearly Departed is pure southern lunacy of the best possible kind. Read this book then give it to your best friend—or anyone else you know who needs a good laugh. I’m already looking forward to Peggy Webb’s next book. I can’t wait to see what Callie and Elvis get up to next.

  --Laurien Berenson, author of Doggie Day Care Murder

  Peggy Webb and laughter go together like grits and gravy. Elvis and the Dearly Departed will leave you hollering for more.

  --Vicki Lewis Thompson, New York Times bestselling author

  Webb’s clever and wickedly witty comedic mystery takes her readers through a fast-paced family plot full of irreverently clever and entertaining twists that would leave ‘Elvis the Pelvis’ turning in his grave!

  --Tom Wilson, creator of Ziggy ©

  Southern Cousins Mystery Titles

  (Listed most recent to earliest)

  Elvis and the Devil in Disguise

  Elvis and the Blue Suede Bones

  Elvis and the Pink Cadillac Corpse

  Elvis and the Rock-A-Hula Baby Capers

  Elvis and the Buried Brides

  Elvis and the Deadly Love Letters (short story)

  Elvis and the Bridegroom Stiffs

  Elvis and the Blue Christmas Corpse

  Elvis and the Tropical Double Trouble

  Elvis and the Memphis Mambo Murders

  Elvis and the Grateful Dead

  Elvis and the Dearly Departed

  Jack Loves Callie Tender (Series prequel)

  Table of Contents

  Reviews for the Southern Cousins Mysteries

  Southern Cousins Mysteries Titles

  Elvis and the Devil in Disguise

  Chapter 1, Elvis’ Opinion on Travel, Cats and Old Bones

  Chapter 2, Food, Food and Food

  Chapter 3, Elvis’ Opinion on Love Potions and Living High on the Hog

  Chapter 4, Lovesick Dogs, Chicken Risotto and Death Warmed Over

  Chapter 5, Elvis’ Opinion on Natural Causes, Canine Detective Work and Butter

  Chapter 6, Priceless Artifacts and Blowup Dolls

  Chapter 7, Elvis’ Opinion on Intrigue, Murder and Talking Cats

  Chapter 8, Mother-to-be Sleuthing and Other Ridiculous Notions

  Chapter 9, Lovie’s Opinion on Operation Romance and Limited Options

  Chapter 10, Elvis’ Opinion on Crawling Snakes Versus Four-legged Snakes

  Chapter 11, Lovie’s Opinion on Street Urchins and Unused Eggs

  Chapter 12, Big Surprises and Big Scares

  Chapter 13, Lovie’s Opinion on Park Benches, Little Boys and Fate

  Chapter 14, Elvis’ Opinion on Everything

  Chapter 15, Secrets, Lies and Sleuthing

  Chapter 16, Pink Pearls, Riding Shotgun and Foiled Plans

  Chapter 17, Wedding Mayhem and an Early Arrival

  Chapter 18, Elvis’ Opinion on Weddings, Babies and Heroic Dogs

  Read More

  A Charmed Cat Mystery In Which The Sea Keeps Secrets, bonus prequel to Peggy Webb’s new mystery series

  A Charmed Cat Mystery In Which Magnolia Wild Vanishes, Book 1, Chapter 1

  About the Author

  Chapter 1

  Elvis’ Opinion on Travel, Cats and Old Bones

  I’m packing my PupPeroni and my pink silk doggie pillow for a road trip to New Orleans with cousin Lovie and my human mom, Callie Valentine Jones. Need I say we’re going over Jack Jones’ dead body? He’s my human dad, about to become the father of a little short bald person who will be my personal responsibility. To say he’s overprotective is an understatement. In addition he thinks his opinion counts.

  After all these years of being married into the Valentine family, he’s still clinging to this ridiculous delusion. I tried to set him straight. When he was laying down the law, I tugged on his blue jeans and told him in my inimitable style that “How Great Thou Art” does not apply to him. He just didn’t get it. He’s the most dangerous agent in the Company, but he doesn’t have a clue how these Valentine women think. Logic does not apply. Just because Callie is so pregnant she looks like a tall skinny bird who swallowed a hippo, that does not mean she’s going to miss a road trip to see the traveling exhibit of the Treasures of Tulum.

  Rocky Malone is the archeologist who’s bringing the Treasures to New Orleans. Cousin Lovie is not about to miss this opportunity to see if she can finally get her long time on-again, off-again boyfriend to discover her personal National Treasure.

  Naturally, where Lovie goes, so does Callie. She has her own ways of getting around Jack when he puts his foot down. I know what all it involves, but I’m a dog of major discretion, not to mention enormous talent and savoir faire. You’d have to cut off my mismatched ears to get me to reveal family secrets.

  I’ll give you a little hint, though. Callie’s ways involve letting Jack think “How Great Thou Art” was written personally for him, and that furthermore, she thinks he can walk on water…as long as his opinion jives with hers. Jack may know a hundred ways to kill a man, but whe
n it comes to my human mom, he’s just a kitty cat.

  Well, bless’a my soul. Wash my mouth out with soap! I must have cats on the brain.

  Naturally we can’t take a road trip without Callie’s mom, Ruby Nell, and her BFF, Fayrene. They’re packing their feathers and maybe even a dead chicken because they think Rocky’s exhibit from the jungles will give them another chance to go native and chant spells.

  The best part, though, is that we’ll be going in Ruby Nell’s pink Cadillac with the top down. I can picture myself sitting in the back seat with my ears blowing in the wind. If word gets out, there’s liable to be a crowd gathered at the side of the road to pay homage to the King. That would be yours truly, the late great Elvis reincarnated in a dog suit.

  But back to the cat… After the trauma of finding her garden filled with blue suede bones, Ruby Nell took a little restorative trip to the gambling casinos. She was so traumatized, a day trip to the casinos in the Mississippi Delta wouldn’t do. She and Fayrene booked a cruise and gambled their way across the Gulf all the way from New Orleans to Cozumel. They met the Delaney sisters on the cruise ship, and that’s where the cat comes in.

  While Callie and Lovie are holed up in a fancy hotel in the French Quarter, I’ll be in the Old Garden District with the Delaney sisters and their cat, Houdini. Ruby Nell says that Grace Delaney thinks he’s the great magician reincarnated, and I say suspicious minds are going to check that out. As far as I’m concerned, I’m the only famous person who has ever come back as a four-legged pet. This cat is bound to be a charlatan. I say if he got sent back to this earth in a cat suit, he’s the devil in disguise.

  Chapter 2

  Food, Food and Food

  It’s not easy to leave home—that would be my little white cottage in the heart of downtown Mooreville, Mississippi, population soon to be 654 thanks to little Jackie Nell, who will shortly make her appearance in the Jones household. It can’t be soon enough for me. I’m bigger than my house, and all I ever think of is food.

  As a matter of fact, the main reason I’m here in New Orleans is for the food—Po Boy sandwiches with fried shrimp, all the bananas foster I can eat, and of course those magnificent beignets at Café Du Monde in the French Quarter. Lovie thinks I’m here for her. And I am, really and truly. But since I’ve been eating for little Jackie Nell and me, both, getting into trouble with Lovie has taken a backseat to secret forays into the kitchen. Jack keeps wondering where all the leftovers went. But I’m not about to point to my ever-expanding self and confess that the roast beef Lovie brought over tasted even better at midnight than it had at supper.

  And speaking of food, we’ve just pulled into the driveway of an ancient mansion in mostly good repair in the Old Garden District of New Orleans. A little gray-haired lady with a round smiling face and an even rounder body trots out, wiping her hands on an apron. Mama has said that both the Delaney sisters are wonderful cooks, and I’m hoping the apron means there’s a big chocolate cake waiting. Or a pound cake drizzled with lemon icing. Shoot. I’m not particular. After our harrowing six hour drive south—harrowing only because Mama and Lovie took turns driving--any old cake will do.

  “Grace!” Mama barrels out of the car and gives Grace Delaney a hug that involves squealing and jumping up and down. Which goes to show that you don’t have to get old just because you’re ticking off birthdays on the calendar.

  I pat my womb and tell Little Jackie Nell, “See, you can learn a lot about living large from your grandmother.”

  “You think she understands you?” Lovie says as Mama and Fayrene trot off with Grace.

  “Of course. I talk to her all the time.”

  “What if it’s a he?”

  “Because I know what I know.”

  I give my cousin my new Madonna smile which Jack says is beautiful and my cousin says borders on a self-satisfied smirk. I take this as a good sign. Lovie doesn’t have an envious bone in her body, but I believe my pregnancy has made her aware that her own biological clock is ticking. It’s high time for her to recognize that she’s been keeping a very good man at arm’s length just so she can carry on the illusion that she has more lovers than Elvis has fleas. I happen to know better. Lovie is simply a generous, kindhearted woman who loves to have fun, most of it so tame she could take Mama along and nobody would have to be sworn to secrecy. I’m hoping that seeing Rocky again will work out well for both of them.

  I hook up Elvis’ leash and we both trot off so he can take care of business while Lovie wrangles Mama’s and Fayrene’s bags out of the car.

  “Better put the top up,” I call back to her, but she’s already doing just that. Lovie is nobody’s fool. We’re not in Mooreville now, and I personally don’t want thieves making off with my favorite sequined maternity top I plan to wear to tonight’s gala at the museum.

  Elvis proceeds to mark every bush on the premises. Something raises the hair on the back of my neck, and I turn just in time to see a big black cat leap onto the windowsill and sit there glaring at us.

  “Elvis, tell me you’re not trying to show the Delaney’s cat who’s boss.”

  He does a little doggie twirl that makes his ears spin, showing off to the cat. Adding insult to injury, he faces the window and proceeds to bark and yip in a manner than sounds like he’s singing one of the late great Elvis Presley’s hits, “Got My Mojo Working.” To top it off, he finishes his performance with an exaggerated wag of his backside.

  The cat is unimpressed.

  “Elvis, that’s not nice. You’ve got to get along with Houdini, whether you like I or not.”

  Good grief. Here I am worrying about the emotional lives of animals. I wonder if pregnancy is driving me around the bend.

  “Yahoo!” Mama is standing at the backdoor, yelling through the screen. “Come on in. Grace and Pearl have a peach cobbler ready to serve.”

  “That’s music to my ears.” Elvis and I head off at a fast trot.

  Lovie races toward the house as if somebody put firecrackers in her pants, but for the first time in my life, I beat her to the food. The door, too, but that’s secondary.

  Mama makes the introductions and then proceeds to prod the Delaney sisters to tell us all about their business. They own a shop in the French Quarter and call it the Charmed Cat. What else?

  “We sell a little bit of everything,” Pearl says. “Souvenirs, jewelry and charms. But our biggest sellers are the lotions and potions for everything from insomnia to how to catch the man of your dreams. After we get you settled in, we’ll take you there.”

  Pearl also has gray hair, but this Delaney sister is a revelation—tall and trim with a lovely face barely marked by time. Looking at her, you’d think she was closer to fifty than the seventy plus Mama had told me when she returned from her gambling cruise.

  She and Fayrene had talked endlessly about their new friends. The Delaney sisters are outcasts from their family, mostly because Pearl used to be an exotic dancer, a fancy term for a stripper. Her stage name was Debbie Delicious, and it was said she could kick her long legs higher than any other stripper working at the Hot Times Club on Bourbon Street.

  Judging by her spryness as she hustles around the vintage-looking kitchen serving coffee and cobbler that rivals Lovie’s for buttery goodness, I’d say Pearl can still kick her legs as high as she pleases.

  Finally she settles down with us at the chrome and vinyl breakfast set in a sunny corner of the kitchen. “While you’re in New Orleans I want our home to be your home. Isn’t that right, Grace?”

  “I couldn’t have said it better myself. The dog, too.” Grace gets up to fill a big dish with water. When she calls Elvis, he trots right over. You don’t have to tell my dog twice to act as if he owns the place. He does that everywhere I go.

  The enormous cat suddenly stalks in, leaps to the top of an antique sideboard and stares at Elvis as if he’s putting a hex on my dog. I thought a house with a yard would be better for him rather than the boutique hotel in the French Quarter, but now
I’m not so sure.

  “Are you certain it’s all right for Elvis to stay here? I’m afraid he and the cat might not get along.”

  “Don’t you worry about a thing.” Grace pets the big cat on her way to the table. He gives a monstrous purr that sounds as if it might have come from one of the big cats at the zoo. “Houdini says to tell you he’s very civilized, and he has a way with dogs.”

  The minute she turns her back, Houdini snarls at Elvis. Thank goodness, Elvis doesn’t react by marking everything in the kitchen. He just stands his ground and stares the cat down before coming to lie at my feet.

  My cousin hasn’t missed the gauntlet being tossed by Houdini. When I kick her under the table, I don’t even have to mouth, do something. We’ve been reading each other’s minds since we were children, climbing trees and getting into scrapes on the farm that now belongs to Mama.

  Suddenly Lovie says a word that belongs in a French bordello. “Cal, I forgot to tell you. Rocky called and said he’d made arrangements for Elvis to be at the gala tonight. You know how much he loves your dog. If we don’t take him with us, Rocky’s going to be so disappointed.”

  I know she hasn’t talked to Rocky since we left Tupelo. But Lovie’s such a good actress, she almost convinces me. No wonder she always got to be the tomato, front and center in the pageants during our elementary school years while I had to stand on the back of the stage and be a cabbage.

  Her announcement starts a flurry of arguments. But in the end I thank the Delaney sisters profusely for taking care of Mama and Fayrene then climb back into the pink Cadillac with my dog and my cousin.

  Lovie burns rubber as if we’re fleeing from the Mafia.

  “We’re going to end up in a New Orleans jail, and then what will I tell Jack?”